teh voodoo lounge

A new year, a new site

2006-01-01T21:57:00.000+02:00

This blog is now found at this location: http://dalounge.org

P.S. No, I'm not writing this from the barracks - I'm out of the army (irregular heartbeat). But my, those were some interesting two months.

In the army now

2005-10-30T20:20:00.000+02:00

This is Dna's brother, Sam, posting his handwritten report of army life. On the left you'll see the good doctor himself.

---

Well, I’m on my third week in the military and let me just say this: the human body is a disgusting thing. You wouldn’t believe the amount of farting that takes place when you’ve got hundreds of men living together. Every time I light a cigarette, I say a silent prayer that the whole battalion doesn’t explode.

But it’s to be expected with the amount of food they cram into us. Three 3-course meals a day. I’ve yet to finish a single meal all the way. Some of the bigger guys seem to like it, though. Guys over 190cm get double portions of everything, which leaves some of the 189cm tall fellas a little miffed.

Okay, I guess I better start at the beginning. I’m stationed at the Infantry Training Center of the Single Guard Battalion. This battalion was established in 1928, in the first days of the nascent Estonian Republic, to guard various military and government facilities and locations. These days, in addition to being a battle-ready infantry battalion, its duties include guarding the Presidential Palace and performing various ceremonies, such as sending out honor guards to greet foreign dignitaries and such.

Speaking of which, in only my second week here, I had the opportunity to stand in the honor guard at the funeral of a brigadier general who just died, the first military funeral in Estonia since the 1930’s (and only the second such event in this country’s history). And soon I’ll be standing guard at Presidential Palace. w00t.

I’m slowly getting accustomed to military life and boy is it different. Let me give you an idea by describing a typical day.

Waking up is quite an experience: we have one company per floor with four platoons, two on each side of a long hallway. At 6 am, someone yells ,,Wake up!’’, at which point 200 men scramble out of bed, grab their clothes, run out into the hallway and get dressed in two minutes. Most guys don’t hear the call and instead wake up at the trampling that ensues, which lead to a funny thing happening one morning: I guess someone sneezed or something and another guy thought it was the wakeup call and got up. Which caused another guy to get up. And another. And so on. The result: the whole company was standing out in the hallway at 5 am, fully dressed, wondering why there weren’t any sergeants yelling at us like usual.

After that it’s outside for the morning exercise which consists of running and various exercises including the ever-present push-ups. Now, as unappealing as that sounds, it actually does wake you the hell up, and fast. And I’ve seen some of the most beautiful night skies in years, running around the barracks at 6 am.

Next up: hygiene (which is what washing is called here) and making your bed. You might wonder why I even include such seemingly mundane activities. If only you knew. Making your bed is an exact science here. Every sheet and pillow has to be exactly right, down to the centimeter and the smallest crease.

After breakfast, the morning lineup, during which we sing the national anthem (the words to which I have finally memorized after 22 years). It was during one such lineup that we got this year’s first snow. The next morning, the lineup ended with the sergeants commanding their platoons in a massive snowball fight. Also, during these lineups, with all of us standing still in our camouflage uniforms, it’s not uncommon for birds to fly over and sit on someone’s head. I guess they mistake us for bushes or something.

We also have classes in subjects ranging from the history of the Estonian Military to Laws of War to various kinds of weaponry. Which reminds me: I have been issued my personal firearm – an Israeli-made ,,Galil’’ automatic rifle. I haven’t actually fired it yet, so far we’ve been learning about various moves, stances, targeting, maintenance (taking the gun apart and cleaning it) and such. But it still feels strangely cool to be holding my very own automatic.

Then lunch, then more classes, supper, evening lineup and count and then the crowning event of every day – the cleaning. Oy vey, the horrible, lemon-fresh, sparkling cleaning. I’ve never mopped so many floors in my life. If you want a manly career mopping floors and making beds, join the army!

One thing about having all distractions removed and your world reduced to running around, following orders, your biggest preoccupations being remaining observant, sharp and not making any mistakes: it makes you appreciate the little things. Like after a hard day of slugging around a forest, getting a hot meal in your belly and a cigarette between your lips makes you feel like a king. Or the satisfaction of having accomplished something that at first seemed insurmountable, like the time we cleaned the area around the barracks of leaves. Using our hands, not rakes.

Living with the same bunch of people all day every day, you clearly start to see the different kinds of personalities that fate has brought together.

There’s the obligatory jackass, who after two weeks of discipline literally pumped into him, getting the rest of the platoon punished as well, still thinks impressing the one or two followers he’s accumulated by making wisecracks is more important than not pissing on your teammates.

There are the garden variety idiots who react to the neighbouring table in the cafeteria being made to eat standing up because they were talking (there’s no talking in the cafeteria, only eating) by laughing, pointing fingers and talking loudly about ,,the schmucks that have to eat standing up’’. Needless to say, they joined them soon thereafter.

Then there are the jokers that always seem to have some sort of comic accident or other happen to them. Like a certain private Appelberg, who walked past the platoon while we were lined up in the hallway, listening to the sergeant, trying to get into his room. There are strict and correct ways to handle such situations, the correct one, in this case, being standing at attention, saluting and saying ,,Sergeant sir, private Appelberg, permission to pass the lineup, sir?’’
Ofcourse Appelberg didn’t know this and spent the next five minutes being educated by the sergeant. Finally he got into the room, only to emerge 30 seconds later and inform us that he had the wrong room!

And finally, there are the ones you would be proud to call friends. The ones that take the time to help their teammates while themselves trying to cope with this new and different situation we all find ourselves in.

More later.

Intermission

2005-10-11T23:41:00.000+03:00

Okelydoke, in the morning I'm off to the army. I don't know what my internet access is gonna be like, but when I get the chance I'll pop out a post or two.

See you in a bit and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

What's the difference between Intelligent Design and the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

2005-10-01T16:16:00.000+03:00

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is tastier. Yum!

My baloney has a first name

2005-09-28T14:13:00.000+03:00

but funnily enough, he doesn't have a last name. Sort of like Madonna. Or Cher.

A Genuine Fisking. On This Site? Get out!

2005-09-27T16:59:00.000+03:00

This post is just so full of BS that had the Intelligent Designer designed it with eyes, they would be of brown color.

The debate over the theory of intelligent design heads into a federal courtroom next week.A school district in south-central Pennsylvania (Dover Area, near York) wants simply to present that the theory exists, and wants to offer a reference that explains the theory.

But there is no such theory. Intelligent Design is not a scientific theory.

Saying that something is too complex and could not have taken place is not a scientific theory. It's naysaying. And that's exactly what Intelligent Design is. Nothing more, nothing less. I challenge you to show me a research paper describing how some aspect of evolutionary theory is against the laws of physics or detailing another explanation for some aspect of evolutionary theory.

Intelligent design supporters "seem to have shifted virtually entirely to political and rhetorical efforts to sway the general public," Scott said. "The bitter truth is that there is no argument going on in the scientific community about whether evolution took place."
The bitter truth, Eugenie Scott, is that there is such a debate.And it is raging in the scientific community.

There is no debate. There are ID advocates putting forth bullshit arguments that are subsequently destroyed by the scientific community. That is not a debate.

Instead, the proponents of intelligent design use a ploy that works something like this. First you misuse or misdescribe some scientist's work. Then you get an angry rebuttal. Then, instead of dealing forthrightly with the charges leveled, you cite the rebuttal as evidence that there is a "controversy" to teach.

On we go:

But -- for me, anyway -- evolution does not explain the intelligence gap between homo sapiens and our animal cousins.How is it that we have the potential for so much more knowledge, the ability to do so many more things, than any other animal?

That's because you don't see intelligence as just another characteristic of a biological organism. You see it as something special, something different from sight or walking on two legs or flight. I might just as well ask how is it that the platypus is the only venomous, egg-laying, duck-billed mammal or why "Strain 121" is the only organism able to thrive in temperatures of 121°C.

We are more intelligent than other animals because that's the direction in which we as a species evolved. The cheetah is faster than other animals because that's the direction in which it evolved. What's so difficult to understand here?

And don't forget that the difference between us and other animals in terms of intelligence is not that great. Primates and dolphins can be taught to communicate with us and have shown extraordinarily complex thought and emotions. The difference between them and us is culture. Put isolated human infants in the wild, removing all the benefits of our evolved culture (other humans to teach them how to use fire, shape tools), and you'll find an animal uncomfortably similar to other primates.

Certainly, man is not the fastest, nor the largest, nor the strongest of species. By the principle of survival of the fittest, we might not have made it this far.

Survival of the fittest does not mean the strongest, fastest animals survive. It means the animals best suited to live in a given environment and evade predation survive. How can you even discuss this topic if you have childish misconceptions like that?

How did we come by that ability?By some evolutionary process?Not overly likely. We would not have made it this far without some sort of early intervention in the process.

On what do you base that statement?

Even the ability to "master" fire and devise weapons is beyond other species.

Monkeys and primates use sticks and stones as weapons, as well as tools for varied tasks. Birds use stones to crack open nuts and eggs, otters use rocks to crack open shells, monkeys use plants to treat cuts and wounds.

Which leaves it up to us to determine how we acquired the ability to do the things we do that no other species can do.

The same way populations of chimpanzees and other animals discovered how to use tools and weapons and taught those skills to the next generations. A combination of intelligence and culture.

I choose to see that as the work of a Creator.Logic, therefore, informs faith.

That's the difference between us. You choose to see that as the work of a creator. I could just as easily choose to believe that we were created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster and my position would be just as valid. But I can't do that. I have no choice (if I'm going to remain intellectually honest), when presented with the evidence, but to come to the conclusion that evolution is the most likely explanation. Logic? Yeah, sure, whatever floats your boat.

Update: the comments are just as unbelievable.

Another problem with evolution is the large gap between simple single cell organisms and multicellular organism. No one has found fossil records to bridge the gap. Maybe there are none.

What would qualify? An organism composed of one and a half cells? Ever heard of colonies of cells? Microbial mats? Sponges? Hydras?

The math alone rules out evolution (e-mail me if you want me to dig out the link). A person would have better odds of winning the lottery and being hit by lightning every day for the rest of his life than evolution does of ever occuring.

You mean this? Read this.

Hugh Hewitt had an interesting point: the Leftists who oppose ID have put themselves in the position of the Catholic church in the middle ages opposing Galileo for his "heresy".

"Leftists who oppose ID"? Fuck you.

But yeah, I suppose you have a point. If Galileo hadn't actually presented a testable scientific hypothesis and the Catholic church had thoroughly debunked it, that is.

Just don't count on the hard-core evolutionists being logical about this...
Unlike Christians, who's faith is indeed informed by reason, theirs is truly a faith that is blind.

I can't even comprehend how someone can utter such a thing with a straight face.

Update: here's Bob's lengthy response, thoroughly rebuting all of my points and presenting those research papers I requested.

Dennet got it exactly right:

Instead, the proponents of intelligent design use a ploy that works something like this. First you misuse or misdescribe some scientist's work. Then you get an angry rebuttal. Then, instead of dealing forthrightly with the charges leveled, you cite the rebuttal as evidence that there is a "controversy" to teach.

Saving Private DNA

2005-09-26T23:39:00.000+03:00

In Estonia we have compulsory military service. Why do I mention this?

Drill instructor: Why are you in the army, Private?
Me: Three reasons, sir!
Me: One - I'm patriotic, two - I love my country, and three - they nailed me.

Yes, that's right: in a little over two weeks I'm off to the army. I'm in for 12 weeks of basic training, 6 weeks of specialty training and 17 weeks of unit training. 8 months in all.

Just so you don't freak out when the blog falls relatively silent in two weeks.

Lost

2005-09-23T14:47:00.000+03:00

Want to know why Lost is so damn good?

It masterfully exploits two intrinsic human characteristics: our fear of the unknown and our curiosity.

Remember the first time you heard that french woman's voice on the radio, repeating the same eerie message over and over again for 16 years? That was spooky. It made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and it made you curious. You absolutely had to know what that was all about.

But here's an interesting thing: I downloaded Lost from the internet and watched it on my computer. Because some episodes finish faster than others, I ended up skipping the episode where Said finds the french woman. All I saw was Said returning, wounded, and saying he found her. And that was spooky as hell.

When I watched the missing episode later, it was a bit disappointing, because she really was just a nutty french woman living on an island. The satisfaction of knowing what I did was offset by the fact that the mystery was gone.

This theme occurs again and again in Lost. The good thing is, as soon as they explain one mystery, another pops up. We can only hope they get creepier and more interesting from now on.

My baloney has a first name

2005-09-22T15:08:00.000+03:00

Steve. His name's Steve.

Random Bash Quote #3

2005-09-22T12:28:00.000+03:00

<ppg> if guns kill people
<ppg> then pencils misspell words
<ppg> and cars make people drive drunk
<ppg> and spoons made rosie o'donnell fat

Fisking myself: an experiment in recursive blogging

2005-09-21T01:54:00.000+03:00

You smell funny.

You know how if you open the refrigerator, the cold air inside mixes with the warm air outside until they reach equilibrium?

Equilibrium, eh? My, my, what big words we're using.

The end result is air that is warmer than the cold air and colder than the warm air at the beginning.

Wait, I'm confused.. is the colder air warmer than the cold air was before it was warmer than the cold air or was the warmer air warmer than the cold air after the colder air got warm?

Now, if you teach me something, what if that means that I get a little bit smarter and you get a little bit dumber? I mean, what if students going to school are getting a little bit smarter, but the teachers are getting dumber until at the end, we reach equilibrium - everyone is the same. Totally uniform intelligence.

You'd like that scenario wouldn't you, Mr. Single-Digit-IQ?

Stop bogarting that spliff, man..

2005-09-19T02:45:00.000+03:00

You know how if you open the refrigerator, the cold air inside mixes with the warm air outside until they reach equilibrium? The end result is air that is warmer than the cold air and colder than the warm air at the beginning.

Now, if you teach me something, what if that means that I get a little bit smarter and you get a little bit dumber? I mean, what if students going to school are getting a little bit smarter, but the teachers are getting dumber until at the end, we reach equilibrium - everyone is the same. Totally uniform intelligence.

Whoa.. dude.

We got any chips?

My baloney has a first name

2005-09-19T02:25:00.000+03:00

but he changed it to Rebecca after the operation.

What's the difference between me and a covert black-ops operative?

2005-09-18T23:40:00.000+03:00

No comment.

Public Service Announcement

2005-09-18T18:32:00.000+03:00

Do not watch Threshold. If you have accidentally watched it, rinse your eyes with water immediately and contact a doctor.

Here's a commentary of the first 20 minutes of the pilot episode. I could go on, but it's too painful to watch a second time around.

0h 1m: A "fractal" shape appears on the radar screen. Only it's not something the radar's seeing, as the image is bigger than the radar area, encapsulating the whole screen. Plus, the screen is wobbling like an Ocean Waves filter has been applied in Photoshop. So, what? The alien ship is reprogramming the computer graphics code to display normal radar data (only wobbly!) with a spooky spiral on top?

0h 1m: The bridge starts deforming, with paint chipping of and windows cracking. But it seems this is only for effect, as it's never mentioned again, even as the Red Team arrives on the ship to investigate.

0h 2m: "Highly Pathogenic SARS-like virus" Yeah, that SARS sure was infectious as hell. Alot more scary than, say, the flu.

0h 3m: a helicopter comes to pick up Dr. Caffrey while she's out walking her dog. A suit in a black helicopter lands in a park in the middle of an urban neighbourhood right next to where the doctor happens to be walking her dog at the exact same moment. A minute or two earlier or later and they'd have had to land the chopper in the park and then run who knows how many blocks after her. It can't be because they're in a hurry, because a few minutes later she's wearing different clothes, so she went back to her place to change. Now, is it completely logical or is it just cool and shows something important is up? A pair of suits showing up at the door and taking her to the airport would have worked.

0h 5m: "The Oval Office seems to think you're a genius"
"Oh, I don't know about that"
"Your modesty is refreshing. Now drop it"
I've seen better dialogue in an Estonian soap opera with a budget of two cents and a box of matches.

0h 6m: The heat plume of a UFO entering Earth's orbit (note: orbit, not atmosphere) has a tail. Like a comet.

0h 9m: "What if some kind of technology could be reverse-engineered? Do we want it falling into the hands of other countries?" Gag.

0h 10m: A scientist is bitching because he's been assigned to be a part of the first ever extra-terrestrial contact. Yeah.

0h 11m: The 'crash site' is near the US coast. The NSA informs that the North-Koreans also detected it and are moving in. They have 5 or 6 hours. Yes. The North-Koreans are the only ones besides the US that detected it. And they're moving in. Later, the mighty USA blows up the ship so the North-Koreans can't get their hands on it. Anything you say.

0h 11m: Again with the animals moving in the fractal pattern. Okay, we get it.

0h 12m: On the helicopter ride over, the obligatory bonding begins. The federal agent/special ops guy/"ghost" asks personal questions about Caffrey's father, as a result of which we learn she doesn't know her father. What a complicated and multi-faceted character she is.

0h 13m: The ship has no power, but all the screens are still showing that fractal pattern. Later, we see every electronic screen on the ship displaying the same pattern. Even screens that aren't capable of showing it. If you'd have an electronic watch with an LCD display, it would also show that pattern. Your fucking flashlight would show that pattern, according to the writers of this show.

0h 15m: "What about the ship's computers? There might be a log or outgoing emails" Yeah, that's it. I'm sure they emailed their penpals the minute they encountered the UFO.

0h 16m: Since when does any video camera (or VCR or tape recorder for that matter) really make that sound when you fast forward?

0h 17m: He's been looking at the squiggly morphing ship for 20 seconds and the first thought he has is that "we're dealing with some kind of higher-dimensional geometry. I think we're looking at a four-dimensional object in three-dimensional space" Egads. This idea could have had potential if they'd handled it right.

0h 18m: "Congratulations gentlemen. We've just confirmed extraterrestrial intelligence." How? By looking at a squiggly morphing thing floating above the sea? By bleeding out of your nose? What exactly confirmed it?

Later on, they come to the conclusion that the aliens are trying to colonize Earth by altering our DNA and making us like them. And the way they come to that conclusion is reminiscent of a Batman episode:

Batman: One: "What has yellow skin and writes?"
Robin: A ballpoint banana.
Batman: Right! Two: "What people are always in a hurry?"
Robin: Rushing people? Russians!
Batman: Right again! Now, what would you say they mean?
Robin: Banana… Russian. I've got it! Someone Russian is gonna slip on a banana peel and break their neck!
Batman: Precisely, Robin! The only possible meaning!

Inciting zoophobia by inventing species-specific stereotypes

2005-09-17T20:12:00.000+03:00

Lions. The proverbial kings of the so-called animal kingdom.

Sure, they're all fluffy and majestic-looking. But underneath this dignified exterior lies an animal society rotten to the core.

Did you know that male lions do nothing but lounge around all day, occasionally fighting with eachother, while the female lions bring food to the table (or dirt, as it happens) and care after the young?

Does this kind of blatant sexism really have a place in the 21st century? I think not!

Equality for our Panthera leo sisters! Attica, attica! I'm Spartacus!

My baloney has a first name

2005-09-17T14:27:00.000+03:00

but he prefers to be called Mr. Smith, as he is currently traveling incognito due to the highly sensitive nature of his mission.

The UN: Vigorous Stationary Movement

2005-09-17T01:31:00.000+03:00

A novel concept is included in the proposed UN "reform" package:

Obligation to intervene when civilians face genocide and war crimes agreed

Gee, ya think?

Plus:

Plans to reform Human Rights Commission deferred to General Assembly

Yeah, that's a brilliant idea. You're so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off.

Suspenseful tidbits from my Life™ #5

2005-09-16T18:18:00.000+03:00

A short while ago, my elbow itched.

I proceeded to scratch my elbow, after which it stopped itching.

Current elbow status: not itching.

The "Alienating My Readers" Post

2005-09-16T18:13:00.000+03:00

You smell funny.

Secrets of Babylon 5 revealed!

2005-09-14T19:51:00.000+03:00

The "fourteen words to make someone fall in love with you forever":

And the one I have at home is twice as big. Interestingly enough, Westinghouse.

Universal Translator

2005-09-14T19:22:00.000+03:00

Is it just me or does Kofi Annan ever say anything besides 'blah, blah, blah'?

Oh yeah, and:

No international definition of terrorism, although hope remains for an agreement during the summit

How about picking up a fucking dictionary.

Update:
The Crazy Imam says: Oh, you and your narrowminded definitions! Words are what we perceive them to be! In fact, I'm going to call you earwig. That's my definition of earwig. You.

The "Pandering To My Readers" Post

2005-09-14T15:49:00.000+03:00

I agree with you completely.

Achtung!

2005-09-14T14:24:00.000+03:00

Run for your lives! Al-Qaeda has now reached MacGyver-level sophistication in remote surveillance avionics.

The commander in charge of the operation said sophisticated equipment had been seized, including a small, Chinese-made remote controlled drone, which he said had been used by the militants to spy on army movements and positions in the area.

That is, they've got toy planes.
With MADE IN CHINA stamped on the bottom.

Update: I was right. That's a first.

Praying

2005-09-14T01:26:00.000+03:00

Say a guy is in a car accident or something. Someone says 'pray for him' or 'keep him in your prayers'.

Now, do the guy's chances of making it increase the more people pray for him? Or does God treat everyone equally? And if so, what's the point of praying for the guy?

Just curious.

What has three legs and is very hungry?

2005-09-14T01:16:00.000+03:00

Me carrying a leg of lamb. Yum!

The Art Of Advertising #4

2005-09-14T00:09:00.000+03:00

Ajinomoto Stadium

Saddam Hussein Legal Defence Strategy Ideas #4

2005-09-13T01:08:00.000+03:00

"I wish to plead incompetence."

Hard to get

2005-09-12T18:50:00.000+03:00

I don't get it. There's this tacit understanding in today's society that men 'love the chase' and women should play hard-to-get.

Is there really any guy who believes this? If I'm rejected or getting negative signals, that's it. It's like flipping a switch. If you don't give me the impression that you want me too, that's not a turn-on - it's the opposite.

Remember

2005-09-11T23:59:00.000+03:00

Update: apologies to all Alzheimer's suffering readers vis-a-vis the title.

Update: not that you'd remember what the title was by the time you read this update.

Update: nevermind.

Gates Of Fire

2005-09-11T18:03:00.000+03:00

Read this.

Hmmm...

2005-09-10T16:57:00.000+03:00

You're dreaming something. After you wake up, you find that what you dreamt about actually happens.

Now, if that takes place in a dream, does that mean you're pseudoclairvoyant or that you just see weird dreams?

Update: P.S. What significance should i give to boot-shaped helicopters?

The Daily Show

2005-09-10T12:34:00.000+03:00

So it's not just me.

The biggest indicator that TDS is now operating solely in Bush-bash mode is that the three last episodes I've seen, all filled to the top with Katrina material, never once has Stewart said anything about the mayor and governor's role in the debacle.

It's Andrew Sullivan all over again. I get the feeling that Stewart's been holding back for a long time and in the last month or two, something snapped and now he's letting it all out.

It's a shame really.

Fisking while asleep

2005-09-09T19:41:00.000+03:00

Zzzzzzz.....

As for Daily Kos. My God...the intelligence, compassion and immediacy on display over the past two weeks could (and did) move mountains.

..zzzZZZzzzz...

Now I know why we're kicking the righty blogosphere's ass: when you live in the reality-based community, you don't have to spend all your time and energy trying to jam square pegs (facts and common sense) into round holes (closed minds).

..ZzzZzzz...mhmng...

Which explains why the Little Green Footballs crowd strains for credibility like a constipated gorilla (apologies to all the real constipated gorillas for the insensitive comparison).

..zzZzzzZzzz....

Things the internet said to me today

2005-09-09T14:07:00.000+03:00

Is that a packet in your socket or are you just happy to see me?

Withdrawal symptoms

2005-08-25T20:41:00.000+03:00

No internet at home right now. My eye stopped twitching for the time being, but the symptoms can only get worse once I leave this computer.

Back soon.

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

2005-08-23T06:40:00.000+03:00

Not much.

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

2005-08-22T16:57:00.000+03:00

Of all the billions of galaxies in the Universe, if only a fraction contained stars like our Sun, and if only a fraction of those stars had planets orbiting around them, and if only a fraction of those planets were the size of earth, and if only a fraction of those planets had liquid water, Michael Moore would still be a putz.

Suspenseful tidbits from my Life™ #4

2005-08-22T16:29:00.000+03:00

I felt a sort of tingling sensation between my toes. I realized that my body was trying to tell me something and replied by tapping on my knee in morse code.

I asked my body: "What do you want?"

Suddenly I burped many times in rapid succession. Aha! My body was replying. Here's what it said:

"Drink more apple juice."

Make of it what you will.

Inciting zoophobia by inventing species-specific stereotypes

2005-08-22T09:11:00.000+03:00

Thompsons Gazelles. 'nuff said.

My baloney has a first name

2005-08-22T08:20:00.000+03:00

but he prefers to be called Mr. Baloney

Fisking While Drunk

2005-08-22T01:50:00.000+03:00

anbyodu evar tell yuo you looklike amushroom?

Is there anyone in America who cannot yet see that Donald Rumsfeld is a liar... that he, as with Hitler and Stalin....will say anything so long as he thinks it will help shape the world to his own liking? Is there even one, sane adult among us who cannot see that Donald Rumsfeld is a threat to our nation’s security and to peace on our beloved earth?

Hey yuo wacth waht you shay abut donald!#% you thinkits easy raisung three kids yb yuorself? and taht scroog hsould be ashamd ofimself nevar giving amy money for poor litl huey, duey adn luwi! atlest they haf daisu as a motger figuer of a soprts

Paul Wolfowitz, after months of not finding any Weapons of Mass Destruction.... and after hundreds of US soldiers were killed....my son amongst them.... and after tens of thousands of innocent Iraq citizens were killed.... this same Paul Wolfowitz casually explained....with his kindly charade and his ever so soft voice... that a decision was made to put forth "Weapons of Mass Destruction" as the need for the invasion.

waht dont intreeupt me bicth ill kixk yuor ass.

...now wat wos i sayign?

Essentially, Paul Wolfowitz admitted that he and his fellow conspirators had decided amongst themselves "... let’s just go with the bit about Weapons of Mass Destruction. It’s the one thing that will scare the American people enough so as to cause them to get behind this invasion."

hahahah hey cehck this out.. wait.... wait fro it... TEHRE!~ smell that? waepons of GAS destrutcon! hahaha get it?

As soft-spoken and sincere-sounding as Paul Wolfowitz is, is there yet any sane adult in this country whose skin does not crawl when this murderous liar opens his mouth and speaks? Am I the only person in this room who clearly sees that Paul Wolfowitz is a threat to our nation’s security... and to peace on our beloved earth?"

ami teh only preson in thi sroom who could use another bier?

Saddam Hussein Legal Defence Strategy Ideas #4

2005-08-21T01:56:00.000+03:00

No, you're out of order! And you're out of order! This whole court is out of order!

DIY Blog Post. Title: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

2005-08-20T20:29:00.000+03:00

Introductory anecdote: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Link and short summary: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Excellent point that people will find insightful: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Close with a joke: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Update:
The Crazy Imam says: And blame it on the jooooos!

Update: The editors would like to apologize for the blatantly anti-semitic update appearing on this post. Rest assured, we have taken all necessary steps to prevent this from happening again, and just so you know: the jooooos did it!

The Art Of Advertising #3

2005-08-20T19:51:00.000+03:00

Ford Mustang

He's got a point, you know

2005-08-19T13:31:00.000+03:00

Laurence Simon:

The IDF and police are storming Gaza synagogues to pull out the settlers holing up in there.
Those that condemned Israel for the Church of the Nativity siege and demanded that the Palestinian terrorists within be negotiated with are the same ones cheering on the forcible and brutal removal of these Jews.
They're also many of the same that shriek when Coalition forces in Iraq pursue terrorists right up to the door of a radical mosque, or shriek that Abu Hamsa Al-Masri should be allowed to stump for a caliphate-controlled British Islamic state at Finsbury or other hatemongering cesspools.

The day I spent as a radish

2005-08-19T04:14:00.000+03:00

It was a thursday. As good a day as any other, I suppose. I soon discovered that radishes didn't really have any substantial reason to differentiate between different days of the week.

I woke up at the usual time, but as I was getting out of bed, it struck me that I probably shouldn't go to work. After all, what would people say if I showed up as a small, red vegetable? So I went back to sleep and got up at noon, feeling very contented.

Now, brushing my teeth was something of a challenge, seeing as I didn't have any. But sure enough, with a little creative thinking and some elbow grease, I succeeded.

I wasn't very hungry, so I opted for a light breakfast. I was just about to make myself a little salad, when I realized that might not be exactly 'kosher' in my current state, if you know what I mean. In the end I had a bowl of cereal.

Or atleast I tried. Now, I don't know if you've realized this, but radishes don't really have a mouth, as such. In fact, they don't have any limbs or appendages worthy of mention at all. So I had a really hard time of trying to accomplish the relatively simple act of eating a bowl of cereal.

Needless to say, I went without breakfast that day.

The rest of the day was pretty monotonous, mostly just sitting around. The only bit of excitement came later in the evening, when a particularly violent gust of wind nearly managed to dislodge me from my stationary position on the kitchen counter due to the fact that my napiform taproot was balanced quite precariously upon the surface of the counter.

All in all, my day as a member of the Brassicaceae family was a fascinating (if a bit tedious) one, and I was quite relieved when it was over.

Keystone Kops

2005-08-19T02:02:00.000+03:00

Heads should roll for this. And this performance by Sir Ian Blair is absolutely disgraceful.

My baloney has a first name

2005-08-19T01:55:00.000+03:00

but I usually refer to it as just 'baloney'.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?

2005-08-18T23:52:00.000+03:00

One's an 882-foot long, 46328 ton luxury ocean-liner with a top speed of 23 knots and the other's a red-head.

English-English dictionary (revised)

2005-08-18T18:33:00.000+03:00

Entry: Adult (noun)
Definition: a child

Suspenseful tidbits from my Life™ #3

2005-08-18T03:41:00.000+03:00

So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweets shop on the edge of town.
So - we go. And - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby, breaking into that little sweets shop. Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big bengal tiger. I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopkeeper and his son... that's a different story altogether. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes.
Nasty business, really, but sure enough I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show.

The importance of having the right tool for the right job (Part 4)

2005-08-18T03:35:00.000+03:00

You nutbar, what the hell am I supposed to do with an ironing board?

Fisking while on drugs

2005-08-17T21:28:00.000+03:00

I never did braid my hair.

If you’ll look back to the presidential campaign, you’ll remember that the Bush campaign had caricatured John Kerry as a french-loving wimpy buffoon of the highest order. That was the tactic headquarters had decided on, and in a matter of time the right-wing had taken their marching orders and gone to town. Soon, a swirl of groups, pundits and news channels were marching in lockstep.

I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years. Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos, people didn't understand. Ran him out of town like a common pygmy.

Then the debate happened. For some reason, Bush got to believing his own press, believing that John Kerry was a simpering moron and would simply genuflect to him, the wartime commander in chief.

Sure, he was a Physical Education major, but he had a mind, he could think, wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later, had three kids. Never cared for her.. sent a nice gift, never got a note.

Except, John Kerry outclassed the teetotaler from Texas, and it pissed Bush off. It was easily the worst political performance of his life, and it happened because Kerry did something people so rarely do with George W. Bush: they disagreed with him to his face.

I told him she was wrong. And that younger boy. Just like his father, football hero. Lived with him for a year.. wasn't the same... can't go back.

Stuff your pockets, the world's gone loco in the cabeza!

2005-08-17T10:25:00.000+03:00

Islamic terrorist convicted of mass-murder gets 30 month sentence cut.

Mr Sutardi said Ba'asyir deserved a remission for good behaviour.
"All he does in prison is devote himself to religious service," he was quoted by the AFP news agency as saying.

Hello? These guys think blowing up innocent people is their religious service.

Update: and they want to raise the license fee up..

Saddam Hussein legal defence strategy ideas #3

2005-08-17T08:12:00.000+03:00

Hey, relax guy! Take a rest.

Iraq

2005-08-17T02:37:00.000+03:00

Some say that reporting 'the good' that takes place in Iraq is to spread propaganda for the Bush Administration. They say that it risks losing sight of the cost of the war.

But cost is one of those words that doesn't make sense on its own. Cost is the amount of effort or sacrifice expended to achieve a goal. It doesn't make much sense to talk about the cost of something without mentioning what you're getting in return.

So to appreciate fully the situation in Iraq, to make informed opinions and decisions, you need more than bodycounts and setbacks. You also need to know about the benefits, the advances that are being made - the good.

You need more than just the bill, you need to know what the bill is for.

And if you're gonna get that, you need to stop getting your info from the evening news.

Here's a simple test: what's been happening in Iraq over the past, say, 3 months? How about 6 months? If you can't think of anything other than bodycounts or the forming of the constitution, something's wrong here. You need to expand your information in-take, and here's a good place to start.

Update via Dean's World: and if you read the New York Times, you really need to read this.

Practical Physics In The Kitchen 101

2005-08-16T22:25:00.000+03:00

Lesson 1: Pouring boiling water into a glass pitcher is not a good idea.

Inciting zoophobia by inventing species-specific stereotypes

2005-08-16T20:43:00.000+03:00

Dogs. Yeah, sure, they may be all loyal and a man's best friend, but god are they ever stupid.

I mean who falls for the 'pantomine throwing a ball' trick a hundred times in a row? A dog's idea of a good time is either fetching a stick or chasing its own tail. A hundred times in a row.

I asked my dog whether he supported increased foreign aid for developing countries or would instead support increased efforts in establishing stable governments, property rights and free markets coupled with abolition of agricultural subsidies. Guess what the idiot said?

"Woof!"

Hey, Snoopy! Why don't you use that hyper-developed sense of smell to sniff out a clue!

In summation: dogs are so stupid they wouldn't get into kindergarten without an affirmative action program, and thus should be excluded from all executive and governmental posts.

Obligatory post in which I share my insightful views on Cindy Sheehan's valiant one-woman (and a gazillion loon) struggle to confront the Bushitler

2005-08-16T02:55:00.000+03:00

*crickets*

*rolling tumbleweed*

Update: here are some other people who seem to give a shit, though. And here you can read about Bush meeting with non-moonbat grieving parents. No Zionist conspiracies for stealing the world's AA batteries via the medium of latin dance mentioned in that article, but a good read nonetheless.

Saddam Hussein legal defence strategy ideas #2

2005-08-15T19:17:00.000+03:00

I was cleaning my chemical weapons when they accidentally fired.

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

2005-08-15T03:47:00.000+03:00

The chicken crossed the road in the direction the lawyer was facing.

My brief conversation with a Genie Of The Lamp (a protein wisdom rip-off)

2005-08-14T22:41:00.000+03:00

Genie: hey, I got an idea! What if I rubbed my own lamp and thus granted myself my own wish of becoming free?

Me: ...

Genie: what?

Me: you trying to be funny?

Condensed blog post: an experiment in minimalistic blogging

2005-08-14T20:53:00.000+03:00

The Art Of Advertising #2

2005-08-14T18:43:00.000+03:00

Fedex

Random IM conversation snippet #1

2005-08-13T17:01:00.000+03:00

dr.dna: i learned about it on the discovery channel

dr.dna: they also talked about the mating habits of peanuts

B O M B A Y: you can see many interesting things on that channel. :D

B O M B A Y: exactly

dr.dna: when a female peanut is in heat, she starts dancing the macarena

dr.dna: that attracts the males

dr.dna: who then play chess to determine who gets to mate with the female

dr.dna: its all very fascinating

Saddam Hussein legal defence strategy ideas #1

2005-08-12T13:30:00.000+03:00

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca...

The Crazy Imam's Weekend Weather Report

2005-08-12T02:59:00.000+03:00

The Crazy Imam says: Friday will see a light chance of fire and brimstone raining down upon the heathenous kafir, with predominantly easterly winds bringing with them blood raining down and filling the streets of the cities of the Great Satan later on Saturday. Sunday will clear up a bit with temperatures reaching the high 80-s, so all you Jews might want to take a trip ~~into the sea~~ down to the beach *wink-wink*

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax-collector?

2005-08-12T02:35:00.000+03:00

A taxidermist only takes the skin, whereas a tax-collector usually discards the skin, preferring instead the sweet succulant flesh of the inner-thighs and abdomen.

Suspenseful tidbits from my Life™ #2

2005-08-11T22:11:00.000+03:00

As I sat with the long cape-like fabric, made out of some kind of plastic or possibly rubber-like material, securely fastened around my neck, I noticed a metallic container of some sort on the surface to my right. I strained to make out the legend on the side of the container, due to the fact that it was at an awkard angle with respect to my available field of vision.

My task was not made easier by the constantly approaching and receding sharp blades, of which I was quite aware.

I came to the conclusion that the container was some sort of aerosol contraption and was struggling to recall any MacGyver episodes that might help me make use of it in my present predicament.

Unfortunately I was interrupted by the hairdresser telling me to tilt my head back, which I obligingly did.

Combining multiple genres: an experiment in the art of storytelling

2005-08-11T18:48:00.000+03:00

Once upon a time, there was a happy little elf. He lived at the root of a magic oak tree, deep in the forest. He had lots of friends, including Skippy the Squirrel, Barney the Bear and DeeDee the Deer. One afternoon, as he and DeeDee were sitting on the green grass by his house, he said: (1)

yo check this, bitch, i'm supafly
the baddest gangsta in the whole forest wide
from left to right, you ain't ever gonna find
a meaner crackhead G, uh, yeah, that's me." (2)

Now as they sat by the big tree
she said: "I have a message for thee
pull up your pants
you're sitting in ants
and G, you ain't no MC." (3)

A sudden cry rings
The elf pulled up his pants fast
He itched soon after (4)

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"The elf."

"The elf who?"

"The elf who's gonna blast you for dissing my rhymes, nigga!" (5)

(1 - fairy tale; 2 - rap; 3 - limerick; 4 - haiku; 5 - knock knock joke)

Leaked transcript of IAEA meeting on the Iran situation

2005-08-11T15:34:00.000+03:00

Olli Heinonen: ...

Yuri Sokolov: ...

Tomihiro Taniguchi: ...

Mohamed ElBaradei: well, how about if we threaten to ground them for a month? No phone, no TV, nothing?

Random Bash Quote #2

2005-08-11T03:56:00.000+03:00

<malaclypse> The general rule about people on IRC seems to be "Attractive, single, mentally stable: choose two"

Dogs should be allowed to vote

2005-08-11T03:23:00.000+03:00

I mean, think about it. Sure, they wouldn't understand the candidate's platform or his views on taxation, gay marriage or immigration. But why should they? Dogs don't have views on taxation, gay marriage or immigration - they don't care about that.

But everyone knows a dog is a great judge of character and that's the important thing here. Humans can understand the candidate's stance on 'issues' and that's what they care about. But people generally aren't very good at judging someone's character. Especially someone as slick as a career-politician.

So, my proposal is: enfranchise dogs! People will vote on the candidates platform. Dogs will vote on his character. Combined, that should greatly improve the process.

Now obviously I'm not saying a dog could fill out a ballot, I'm not crazy you know, but we could line the candidates up in a row and have them all call out to the dog-voter. The one the dog goes to (and doesn't bark at) gets the vote. And any candidates with sausages in their pockets would be disqualified.

So spread the word: give dogs the vote!

...anyway, they'd be better at it than Floridians. *zing!*

What's the difference between a lawyer and a scum-sucking bottom-feeder?

2005-08-11T02:09:00.000+03:00

One's a catfish and the other's a.. wait a minute..

Ignorance-based informed opinion: an oxymoron, or the NEXT BIG THING?

2005-08-10T22:19:00.000+03:00

This reminds me of the time I was arguing with my dad and telling him about how the MSM routinely spins reporting on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to reflect badly on Israel.

"As if there's any need to spin it to make Israel look bad," he said.

The thing is, his view on Israel was based on information from the very publications I was referring to.

If humans laid eggs..

2005-08-10T21:39:00.000+03:00

If humans laid eggs, mothers would go to a hospital delivery room and lay an egg. It would then be placed into an incubator for 9 months, after which the happy parents would come to witness the hatching of their child.

If humans laid eggs, cannibals would eat omelettes.

If humans laid eggs, egg-timers would need really long-lasting batteries.

If humans laid eggs, alchemy would be the art of "trying to lay a golden egg".

If humans laid eggs, "You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette" would be a good pro-choice slogan.

If humans laid eggs, women wouldn't have evolved breasts.

...

I'm sorry, I can't go on.. I totally freaked myself out with that last one.

Flimsy Connections

2005-08-10T18:14:00.000+03:00

vis-a-vis

Irony overload

2005-08-10T17:22:00.000+03:00

(via The Superficial) Reese "Legally Blonde" Witherspoon attacks Jessica Simpson for being a "dumb blonde".

"Creating a cultural icon out of someone who goes, 'I'm stupid, isn't it cute?' makes me want to throw daggers," says Reese. "I want to say to them, 'My Grandma did not fight for what she fought for, just so you can start telling women it's fun to be stupid.'"

Update:

"Hey, what's that blonde actress' name, Reese something.. tell me quickly, or I'll stab you!"
"Witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife."

Random Bash Quote #1

2005-08-10T16:10:00.000+03:00

<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut[AFK]> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

Helicopter crash near Tallinn

2005-08-10T15:27:00.000+03:00

A Copterline helicopter on its way to Helsinki from Tallinn crashed into the Baltic Sea a few hours ago just minutes after take-off. 14 people onboard. None of them have been found as of yet.

A friend of mine works at Copterline, but fortunately wasn't on this flight.

Lets hope for survivors.

Update: the wreck has been located and there are no survivors. Shit.

Don't look at him funny or he'll put the whammy on ya

2005-08-10T04:30:00.000+03:00

(via Instapundit) Who knew the Stupendous Yappi blogged?

Lebanon Profile wonders why there isn't a jihad against China and the very next day a bombass kabooms a bus. A coincidence? I think not. This is like the time I dreamed I stabbed Saddam Hussein to death and the next morning found this story on the BBC.

Actually, according to the Jawa Report, China has been fighting a low-level Islamic insurgency for some time now. And there are no indications as of yet that the bomber was a muslim. Instead it looks like he blew himself up because of socialist medicine. Who knew?

The Crazy Imam says: Dear Sir or Madam, this letter serves as notification under the Digital Millennium Terrorism Act, 17 U.S.C. § 512, or equivalent notice provisions of your local law, that actions undertaken by members of your organization or group (namely the usage of 'suicide bombers' or explosive devices carried by a person to a target and subsequently detonated) infringe on the copyrights of the Religion Of Peace™. We hereby give notice of these activities to you and request that you take expeditious action to ensure that no further illegal reproduction and/or distribution of this copyrighted method of terrorism is conducted via your organization or group.

The Stupendous Adventures Of ElBaradeiMan!

2005-08-10T03:02:00.000+03:00

"Help!", screamed the terrified young woman as her armed assailants inched ever closer, brandishing long knives that glinted in the sparse light of the dark alley.

"Won't somebody help me?!", she repeated, backing into the brick wall behind her.

Suddenly there was a crash of lightning and a seemingly disembodied voice, clear as thunder and strong of purpose, bellowed loudly: "Unhand that woman, you fiends!"

The two thugs reeled around in shock to find none other than the muscular silhouette of ElBaradeiMan standing behind them, his arms crossed in front of his bulging chest!

"Oh, ElBaradeiMan! I knew you'd rescue me!", the fair maiden cried out.

Gathering themselves somewhat, the thugs asked ElBaradei tauntingly: "Oh yeah? Or what?"

ElBaradeiMan uncrossed his arms and with a satisfied grin across his face, he answered: "Or I will be forced to consider issuing you a strongly worded written warning discouraging you from continuing your present course of action!"

The two thugs were caught off guard and after a moment turned to look at eachother with the bewildered look of two guys who went camping for the weekend and woke up in the morning with condoms stuck up their asses and no recollection of how they got there.

"You fucking prick," muttered the maiden in distress, as she grabbed her forehead in disbelief.

After having a good laugh, the thugs kicked ElBaradeiMan in the shin, gave him an atomic wedgie and put him head-first into a trashcan, after which they proceeded to rob and rape the young woman, fixed up on crack with the proceeds of their criminal endeavours and ended up many years later running a small Bait & Tackle shop together somewhere on the outskirts of Gainsville, Florida, before they both died in what the local police came to call the Mother Of All Gun-Cleaning Accidents.

The End.

EuroEnglish

2005-08-10T02:48:00.000+03:00

(via daydream'n)

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riting styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikulti and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

Suspenseful tidbits from my Life™ #1

2005-08-10T01:21:00.000+03:00

In a moment, i shall venture into the kitchen (or food preparation) area to toast two slices of white bread, upon which i shall - at the completion of the toasting process - apply moderate amounts of cream cheese and/or other savoury comestibles according to taste, using a flat, elongated, sharpened metallic object, commonly referred to as a knife.

A knife.

The Art of Advertising #1

2005-08-10T00:00:00.000+03:00

The Vancouver Film Festival

Stand by for mind-control!

2005-08-09T22:10:00.000+03:00

So.. all you people that thought I was crazy was crazy was crazy. What about this then?

Well, I for one smell a goldmine! That's why I'm looking for investors for my new business: Dan's Tin-Foil Wear. Look out for my new autumn collection, which gracefully combines the classic with the unconventional, providing an eclectic mix of space-agey colors and practical durability under a distinctly nautical theme.

For round-the-clock cognitive insulation* you can't beat Dan's Tin-Foil Wear!

Dan's Tin-Foil Wear is suitable for the whole family, including pets (for the prudent canine aficionado that doesn't want the government to know where the bone is buried!)

The Crazy Imam says: I heartily endorse this product for protecting against the joooooooish mind-rays!

* Only protects against mind-reading techniques targeting the head. A tin-foil scarf and/or turtleneck for protection against Vulcan mind-melds is still in the design-phase due to its unfortunate tendency to decapitate the wearer in case of vigorous head movements.

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

2005-08-09T21:16:00.000+03:00

A pregnant woman doesn't provide quite as much light when plugged into an electrical socket.

Cellphone dos and don'ts

2005-08-09T19:43:00.000+03:00

Addendum:

Don't put your cell phone in your front shirt pocket and lean over to flush the toilet.
Do put an ad in the paper offering free iPods for the first 20 callers, turn your cell phone on vibrate and put it in your pants.

Inciting zoophobia by inventing species-specific stereotypes

2005-08-09T19:12:00.000+03:00

You know, pigeons are the laziest birds.

Whereas your average crow will fly off before you get to within 30 feet of him, a pigeon will not. Should you move to within 10 feet of a pigeon, he still won't take to the air. In fact, the only thing stopping you from actually stepping on a pigeon is that when you get close enough, the lazy bastard walks away nonchalantly. Walks!

Now far be it for me to cast judgment, but I find it astonishing that God has not yet shackled pigeonkind to the ground for all eternity like some other uppity species of birds (emus, chickens and the inebriated substance abusers of the animal kingdom: penguins) that didn't adequately appreciate the power of flight given to them.

The only reason a pigeon would rather wait until you're close enough to swat him with your shoe before walking a few feet to the left instead of flying away at the first sight of you is that they're just too goddamn lazy. Either that, or they've got a thing for humans. Perverts.

Now, the bald-headed eagle. There's a bird with an admirable work-ethic. They're so busy flying away whenever they see me, I've never actually seen one myself!

"Ah, but if you've never seen one, how do you know they've been flying away whenever they see you!", you might be thinking. You might also be a flatulent git. Eagles have super-duper-vision, which means they see me and fly away long before I would ever have a chance to see them. Prove me wrong! Do you have eyesight that could spot an eagle before he spots you?

Didn't think so.

Anyway, pigeons are lazy bastards and should be hit with shoes.

(Disclaimer to appease the easily-offended pro-pigeon lobby: there are exceptions)

Update via Schmaltz und Grieben: and if lazy pigeons aren't bad enough, those no-good Starlings are up to their old tricks again in Virginia.

Starlings, the birds pictured here, are often attracted to bright, shiny objects and will collect them for nesting or mate-attraction purposes whenever the opportunity presents itself.

The Crazy Imam says: These filthy birds are clearly reincarnated joooooos and should be driven into the sea in the manner of penguins merrily leaping off an ice shelf in search of yummy fish!