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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Inciting zoophobia by inventing species-specific stereotypes

You know, pigeons are the laziest birds.

Whereas your average crow will fly off before you get to within 30 feet of him, a pigeon will not. Should you move to within 10 feet of a pigeon, he still won't take to the air. In fact, the only thing stopping you from actually stepping on a pigeon is that when you get close enough, the lazy bastard walks away nonchalantly. Walks!

Now far be it for me to cast judgment, but I find it astonishing that God has not yet shackled pigeonkind to the ground for all eternity like some other uppity species of birds (emus, chickens and the inebriated substance abusers of the animal kingdom: penguins) that didn't adequately appreciate the power of flight given to them.

The only reason a pigeon would rather wait until you're close enough to swat him with your shoe before walking a few feet to the left instead of flying away at the first sight of you is that they're just too goddamn lazy. Either that, or they've got a thing for humans. Perverts.

Now, the bald-headed eagle. There's a bird with an admirable work-ethic. They're so busy flying away whenever they see me, I've never actually seen one myself!

"Ah, but if you've never seen one, how do you know they've been flying away whenever they see you!", you might be thinking. You might also be a flatulent git. Eagles have super-duper-vision, which means they see me and fly away long before I would ever have a chance to see them. Prove me wrong! Do you have eyesight that could spot an eagle before he spots you?

Didn't think so.

Anyway, pigeons are lazy bastards and should be hit with shoes.
(Disclaimer to appease the easily-offended pro-pigeon lobby: there are exceptions)

Update via Schmaltz und Grieben: and if lazy pigeons aren't bad enough, those no-good Starlings are up to their old tricks again in Virginia.

Starlings, the birds pictured here, are often attracted to bright, shiny objects and will collect them for nesting or mate-attraction purposes whenever the opportunity presents itself.

The Crazy Imam says: These filthy birds are clearly reincarnated joooooos and should be driven into the sea in the manner of penguins merrily leaping off an ice shelf in search of yummy fish!

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