Withdrawal symptoms

No internet at home right now. My eye stopped twitching for the time being, but the symptoms can only get worse once I leave this computer.

Back soon.

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

Not much.

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Of all the billions of galaxies in the Universe, if only a fraction contained stars like our Sun, and if only a fraction of those stars had planets orbiting around them, and if only a fraction of those planets were the size of earth, and if only a fraction of those planets had liquid water, Michael Moore would still be a putz.

Suspenseful tidbits from my Life™ #4

I felt a sort of tingling sensation between my toes. I realized that my body was trying to tell me something and replied by tapping on my knee in morse code.

I asked my body: "What do you want?"

Suddenly I burped many times in rapid succession. Aha! My body was replying. Here's what it said:

"Drink more apple juice."

Make of it what you will.

Inciting zoophobia by inventing species-specific stereotypes

Thompsons Gazelles. 'nuff said.

My baloney has a first name

but he prefers to be called Mr. Baloney

Fisking While Drunk

anbyodu evar tell yuo you looklike amushroom?

Is there anyone in America who cannot yet see that Donald Rumsfeld is a liar... that he, as with Hitler and Stalin....will say anything so long as he thinks it will help shape the world to his own liking? Is there even one, sane adult among us who cannot see that Donald Rumsfeld is a threat to our nation’s security and to peace on our beloved earth?

Hey yuo wacth waht you shay abut donald!#% you thinkits easy raisung three kids yb yuorself? and taht scroog hsould be ashamd ofimself nevar giving amy money for poor litl huey, duey adn luwi! atlest they haf daisu as a motger figuer of a soprts

Paul Wolfowitz, after months of not finding any Weapons of Mass Destruction.... and after hundreds of US soldiers were killed....my son amongst them.... and after tens of thousands of innocent Iraq citizens were killed.... this same Paul Wolfowitz casually explained....with his kindly charade and his ever so soft voice... that a decision was made to put forth "Weapons of Mass Destruction" as the need for the invasion.

waht dont intreeupt me bicth ill kixk yuor ass.

...now wat wos i sayign?

Essentially, Paul Wolfowitz admitted that he and his fellow conspirators had decided amongst themselves "... let’s just go with the bit about Weapons of Mass Destruction. It’s the one thing that will scare the American people enough so as to cause them to get behind this invasion."

hahahah hey cehck this out.. wait.... wait fro it... TEHRE!~ smell that? waepons of GAS destrutcon! hahaha get it?

As soft-spoken and sincere-sounding as Paul Wolfowitz is, is there yet any sane adult in this country whose skin does not crawl when this murderous liar opens his mouth and speaks? Am I the only person in this room who clearly sees that Paul Wolfowitz is a threat to our nation’s security... and to peace on our beloved earth?"

ami teh only preson in thi sroom who could use another bier?

Saddam Hussein Legal Defence Strategy Ideas #4

No, you're out of order! And you're out of order! This whole court is out of order!

DIY Blog Post. Title: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Introductory anecdote: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Link and short summary: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Excellent point that people will find insightful: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Close with a joke: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Update:
The Crazy Imam says: And blame it on the jooooos!

Update: The editors would like to apologize for the blatantly anti-semitic update appearing on this post. Rest assured, we have taken all necessary steps to prevent this from happening again, and just so you know: the jooooos did it!

The Art Of Advertising #3

Ford Mustang

He's got a point, you know

Laurence Simon:

The IDF and police are storming Gaza synagogues to pull out the settlers holing up in there.

Those that condemned Israel for the Church of the Nativity siege and demanded that the Palestinian terrorists within be negotiated with are the same ones cheering on the forcible and brutal removal of these Jews.

They're also many of the same that shriek when Coalition forces in Iraq pursue terrorists right up to the door of a radical mosque, or shriek that Abu Hamsa Al-Masri should be allowed to stump for a caliphate-controlled British Islamic state at Finsbury or other hatemongering cesspools.

The day I spent as a radish

It was a thursday. As good a day as any other, I suppose. I soon discovered that radishes didn't really have any substantial reason to differentiate between different days of the week.

I woke up at the usual time, but as I was getting out of bed, it struck me that I probably shouldn't go to work. After all, what would people say if I showed up as a small, red vegetable? So I went back to sleep and got up at noon, feeling very contented.

Now, brushing my teeth was something of a challenge, seeing as I didn't have any. But sure enough, with a little creative thinking and some elbow grease, I succeeded.

I wasn't very hungry, so I opted for a light breakfast. I was just about to make myself a little salad, when I realized that might not be exactly 'kosher' in my current state, if you know what I mean. In the end I had a bowl of cereal.

Or atleast I tried. Now, I don't know if you've realized this, but radishes don't really have a mouth, as such. In fact, they don't have any limbs or appendages worthy of mention at all. So I had a really hard time of trying to accomplish the relatively simple act of eating a bowl of cereal.

Needless to say, I went without breakfast that day.

The rest of the day was pretty monotonous, mostly just sitting around. The only bit of excitement came later in the evening, when a particularly violent gust of wind nearly managed to dislodge me from my stationary position on the kitchen counter due to the fact that my napiform taproot was balanced quite precariously upon the surface of the counter.

All in all, my day as a member of the Brassicaceae family was a fascinating (if a bit tedious) one, and I was quite relieved when it was over.

Keystone Kops

Heads should roll for this. And this performance by Sir Ian Blair is absolutely disgraceful.

My baloney has a first name

but I usually refer to it as just 'baloney'.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?

One's an 882-foot long, 46328 ton luxury ocean-liner with a top speed of 23 knots and the other's a red-head.

English-English dictionary (revised)

Entry: Adult (noun)
Definition: a child

Suspenseful tidbits from my Life™ #3

So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweets shop on the edge of town.
So - we go. And - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby, breaking into that little sweets shop. Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big bengal tiger. I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopkeeper and his son... that's a different story altogether. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes.
Nasty business, really, but sure enough I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show.

The importance of having the right tool for the right job (Part 4)

You nutbar, what the hell am I supposed to do with an ironing board?

Fisking while on drugs

I never did braid my hair.

If you’ll look back to the presidential campaign, you’ll remember that the Bush campaign had caricatured John Kerry as a french-loving wimpy buffoon of the highest order. That was the tactic headquarters had decided on, and in a matter of time the right-wing had taken their marching orders and gone to town. Soon, a swirl of groups, pundits and news channels were marching in lockstep.

I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years. Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos, people didn't understand. Ran him out of town like a common pygmy.

Then the debate happened. For some reason, Bush got to believing his own press, believing that John Kerry was a simpering moron and would simply genuflect to him, the wartime commander in chief.

Sure, he was a Physical Education major, but he had a mind, he could think, wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later, had three kids. Never cared for her.. sent a nice gift, never got a note.

Except, John Kerry outclassed the teetotaler from Texas, and it pissed Bush off. It was easily the worst political performance of his life, and it happened because Kerry did something people so rarely do with George W. Bush: they disagreed with him to his face.

I told him she was wrong. And that younger boy. Just like his father, football hero. Lived with him for a year.. wasn't the same... can't go back.

Stuff your pockets, the world's gone loco in the cabeza!

Islamic terrorist convicted of mass-murder gets 30 month sentence cut.

Mr Sutardi said Ba'asyir deserved a remission for good behaviour.
"All he does in prison is devote himself to religious service," he was quoted by the AFP news agency as saying.

Hello? These guys think blowing up innocent people is their religious service.

Update: and they want to raise the license fee up..

Saddam Hussein legal defence strategy ideas #3

Hey, relax guy! Take a rest.

Iraq

Some say that reporting 'the good' that takes place in Iraq is to spread propaganda for the Bush Administration. They say that it risks losing sight of the cost of the war.

But cost is one of those words that doesn't make sense on its own. Cost is the amount of effort or sacrifice expended to achieve a goal. It doesn't make much sense to talk about the cost of something without mentioning what you're getting in return.

So to appreciate fully the situation in Iraq, to make informed opinions and decisions, you need more than bodycounts and setbacks. You also need to know about the benefits, the advances that are being made - the good.

You need more than just the bill, you need to know what the bill is for.

And if you're gonna get that, you need to stop getting your info from the evening news.

Here's a simple test: what's been happening in Iraq over the past, say, 3 months? How about 6 months? If you can't think of anything other than bodycounts or the forming of the constitution, something's wrong here. You need to expand your information in-take, and here's a good place to start.

Update via Dean's World: and if you read the New York Times, you really need to read this.

Practical Physics In The Kitchen 101

Lesson 1: Pouring boiling water into a glass pitcher is not a good idea.

Inciting zoophobia by inventing species-specific stereotypes

Dogs. Yeah, sure, they may be all loyal and a man's best friend, but god are they ever stupid.

I mean who falls for the 'pantomine throwing a ball' trick a hundred times in a row? A dog's idea of a good time is either fetching a stick or chasing its own tail. A hundred times in a row.

I asked my dog whether he supported increased foreign aid for developing countries or would instead support increased efforts in establishing stable governments, property rights and free markets coupled with abolition of agricultural subsidies. Guess what the idiot said?

"Woof!"

Hey, Snoopy! Why don't you use that hyper-developed sense of smell to sniff out a clue!

In summation: dogs are so stupid they wouldn't get into kindergarten without an affirmative action program, and thus should be excluded from all executive and governmental posts.

Obligatory post in which I share my insightful views on Cindy Sheehan's valiant one-woman (and a gazillion loon) struggle to confront the Bushitler

*crickets*






*rolling tumbleweed*




Update: here are some other people who seem to give a shit, though. And here you can read about Bush meeting with non-moonbat grieving parents. No Zionist conspiracies for stealing the world's AA batteries via the medium of latin dance mentioned in that article, but a good read nonetheless.

Saddam Hussein legal defence strategy ideas #2

I was cleaning my chemical weapons when they accidentally fired.

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

The chicken crossed the road in the direction the lawyer was facing.

My brief conversation with a Genie Of The Lamp (a protein wisdom rip-off)

Genie: hey, I got an idea! What if I rubbed my own lamp and thus granted myself my own wish of becoming free?

Me: ...

Genie: what?

Me: you trying to be funny?

Condensed blog post: an experiment in minimalistic blogging

.

The Art Of Advertising #2

Fedex

Random IM conversation snippet #1

dr.dna: i learned about it on the discovery channel

dr.dna: they also talked about the mating habits of peanuts

B O M B A Y: you can see many interesting things on that channel. :D

B O M B A Y: exactly

dr.dna: when a female peanut is in heat, she starts dancing the macarena

dr.dna: that attracts the males

dr.dna: who then play chess to determine who gets to mate with the female

dr.dna: its all very fascinating

Saddam Hussein legal defence strategy ideas #1

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca...

The Crazy Imam's Weekend Weather Report

The Crazy Imam says: Friday will see a light chance of fire and brimstone raining down upon the heathenous kafir, with predominantly easterly winds bringing with them blood raining down and filling the streets of the cities of the Great Satan later on Saturday. Sunday will clear up a bit with temperatures reaching the high 80-s, so all you Jews might want to take a trip into the sea down to the beach *wink-wink*

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax-collector?

A taxidermist only takes the skin, whereas a tax-collector usually discards the skin, preferring instead the sweet succulant flesh of the inner-thighs and abdomen.

Suspenseful tidbits from my Life™ #2

As I sat with the long cape-like fabric, made out of some kind of plastic or possibly rubber-like material, securely fastened around my neck, I noticed a metallic container of some sort on the surface to my right. I strained to make out the legend on the side of the container, due to the fact that it was at an awkard angle with respect to my available field of vision.

My task was not made easier by the constantly approaching and receding sharp blades, of which I was quite aware.

I came to the conclusion that the container was some sort of aerosol contraption and was struggling to recall any MacGyver episodes that might help me make use of it in my present predicament.

Unfortunately I was interrupted by the hairdresser telling me to tilt my head back, which I obligingly did.

Combining multiple genres: an experiment in the art of storytelling

Once upon a time, there was a happy little elf. He lived at the root of a magic oak tree, deep in the forest. He had lots of friends, including Skippy the Squirrel, Barney the Bear and DeeDee the Deer. One afternoon, as he and DeeDee were sitting on the green grass by his house, he said: (1)

yo check this, bitch, i'm supafly
the baddest gangsta in the whole forest wide
from left to right, you ain't ever gonna find
a meaner crackhead G, uh, yeah, that's me." (2)

Now as they sat by the big tree
she said: "I have a message for thee
pull up your pants
you're sitting in ants
and G, you ain't no MC." (3)

A sudden cry rings
The elf pulled up his pants fast
He itched soon after (4)

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"The elf."

"The elf who?"

"The elf who's gonna blast you for dissing my rhymes, nigga!" (5)

(1 - fairy tale; 2 - rap; 3 - limerick; 4 - haiku; 5 - knock knock joke)

Leaked transcript of IAEA meeting on the Iran situation

Olli Heinonen: ...

Yuri Sokolov: ...

Tomihiro Taniguchi: ...

Mohamed ElBaradei: well, how about if we threaten to ground them for a month? No phone, no TV, nothing?

Random Bash Quote #2

<malaclypse> The general rule about people on IRC seems to be "Attractive, single, mentally stable: choose two"

Dogs should be allowed to vote

I mean, think about it. Sure, they wouldn't understand the candidate's platform or his views on taxation, gay marriage or immigration. But why should they? Dogs don't have views on taxation, gay marriage or immigration - they don't care about that.

But everyone knows a dog is a great judge of character and that's the important thing here. Humans can understand the candidate's stance on 'issues' and that's what they care about. But people generally aren't very good at judging someone's character. Especially someone as slick as a career-politician.

So, my proposal is: enfranchise dogs! People will vote on the candidates platform. Dogs will vote on his character. Combined, that should greatly improve the process.

Now obviously I'm not saying a dog could fill out a ballot, I'm not crazy you know, but we could line the candidates up in a row and have them all call out to the dog-voter. The one the dog goes to (and doesn't bark at) gets the vote. And any candidates with sausages in their pockets would be disqualified.

So spread the word: give dogs the vote!



...anyway, they'd be better at it than Floridians. *zing!*

What's the difference between a lawyer and a scum-sucking bottom-feeder?

One's a catfish and the other's a.. wait a minute..

Ignorance-based informed opinion: an oxymoron, or the NEXT BIG THING?

This reminds me of the time I was arguing with my dad and telling him about how the MSM routinely spins reporting on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to reflect badly on Israel.

"As if there's any need to spin it to make Israel look bad," he said.

The thing is, his view on Israel was based on information from the very publications I was referring to.

If humans laid eggs..

If humans laid eggs, mothers would go to a hospital delivery room and lay an egg. It would then be placed into an incubator for 9 months, after which the happy parents would come to witness the hatching of their child.

If humans laid eggs, cannibals would eat omelettes.

If humans laid eggs, egg-timers would need really long-lasting batteries.

If humans laid eggs, alchemy would be the art of "trying to lay a golden egg".

If humans laid eggs, "You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette" would be a good pro-choice slogan.

If humans laid eggs, women wouldn't have evolved breasts.

...

I'm sorry, I can't go on.. I totally freaked myself out with that last one.

Flimsy Connections

vis-a-vis

Irony overload

(via The Superficial) Reese "Legally Blonde" Witherspoon attacks Jessica Simpson for being a "dumb blonde".

"Creating a cultural icon out of someone who goes, 'I'm stupid, isn't it cute?' makes me want to throw daggers," says Reese. "I want to say to them, 'My Grandma did not fight for what she fought for, just so you can start telling women it's fun to be stupid.'"

Update:

"Hey, what's that blonde actress' name, Reese something.. tell me quickly, or I'll stab you!"

"Witherspoon?"

"No, with a knife."

Random Bash Quote #1

<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut[AFK]> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

Helicopter crash near Tallinn

A Copterline helicopter on its way to Helsinki from Tallinn crashed into the Baltic Sea a few hours ago just minutes after take-off. 14 people onboard. None of them have been found as of yet.

A friend of mine works at Copterline, but fortunately wasn't on this flight.

Lets hope for survivors.

Update: the wreck has been located and there are no survivors. Shit.

Don't look at him funny or he'll put the whammy on ya

(via Instapundit) Who knew the Stupendous Yappi blogged?

Lebanon Profile wonders why there isn't a jihad against China and the very next day a bombass kabooms a bus. A coincidence? I think not. This is like the time I dreamed I stabbed Saddam Hussein to death and the next morning found this story on the BBC.

Actually, according to the Jawa Report, China has been fighting a low-level Islamic insurgency for some time now. And there are no indications as of yet that the bomber was a muslim. Instead it looks like he blew himself up because of socialist medicine. Who knew?

The Crazy Imam says: Dear Sir or Madam, this letter serves as notification under the Digital Millennium Terrorism Act, 17 U.S.C. § 512, or equivalent notice provisions of your local law, that actions undertaken by members of your organization or group (namely the usage of 'suicide bombers' or explosive devices carried by a person to a target and subsequently detonated) infringe on the copyrights of the Religion Of Peace™. We hereby give notice of these activities to you and request that you take expeditious action to ensure that no further illegal reproduction and/or distribution of this copyrighted method of terrorism is conducted via your organization or group.

The Stupendous Adventures Of ElBaradeiMan!

"Help!", screamed the terrified young woman as her armed assailants inched ever closer, brandishing long knives that glinted in the sparse light of the dark alley.

"Won't somebody help me?!", she repeated, backing into the brick wall behind her.

Suddenly there was a crash of lightning and a seemingly disembodied voice, clear as thunder and strong of purpose, bellowed loudly: "Unhand that woman, you fiends!"

The two thugs reeled around in shock to find none other than the muscular silhouette of ElBaradeiMan standing behind them, his arms crossed in front of his bulging chest!

"Oh, ElBaradeiMan! I knew you'd rescue me!", the fair maiden cried out.

Gathering themselves somewhat, the thugs asked ElBaradei tauntingly: "Oh yeah? Or what?"

ElBaradeiMan uncrossed his arms and with a satisfied grin across his face, he answered: "Or I will be forced to consider issuing you a strongly worded written warning discouraging you from continuing your present course of action!"

The two thugs were caught off guard and after a moment turned to look at eachother with the bewildered look of two guys who went camping for the weekend and woke up in the morning with condoms stuck up their asses and no recollection of how they got there.

"You fucking prick," muttered the maiden in distress, as she grabbed her forehead in disbelief.

After having a good laugh, the thugs kicked ElBaradeiMan in the shin, gave him an atomic wedgie and put him head-first into a trashcan, after which they proceeded to rob and rape the young woman, fixed up on crack with the proceeds of their criminal endeavours and ended up many years later running a small Bait & Tackle shop together somewhere on the outskirts of Gainsville, Florida, before they both died in what the local police came to call the Mother Of All Gun-Cleaning Accidents.

The End.

EuroEnglish

(via daydream'n)

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

• In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
• There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
• In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.
• By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
• During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riting styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikulti and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

Suspenseful tidbits from my Life™ #1

In a moment, i shall venture into the kitchen (or food preparation) area to toast two slices of white bread, upon which i shall - at the completion of the toasting process - apply moderate amounts of cream cheese and/or other savoury comestibles according to taste, using a flat, elongated, sharpened metallic object, commonly referred to as a knife.

A knife.

The Art of Advertising #1

The Vancouver Film Festival

Stand by for mind-control!

So.. all you people that thought I was crazy was crazy was crazy. What about this then?

Well, I for one smell a goldmine! That's why I'm looking for investors for my new business: Dan's Tin-Foil Wear. Look out for my new autumn collection, which gracefully combines the classic with the unconventional, providing an eclectic mix of space-agey colors and practical durability under a distinctly nautical theme.

For round-the-clock cognitive insulation* you can't beat Dan's Tin-Foil Wear!

Dan's Tin-Foil Wear is suitable for the whole family, including pets (for the prudent canine aficionado that doesn't want the government to know where the bone is buried!)

The Crazy Imam says: I heartily endorse this product for protecting against the joooooooish mind-rays!

* Only protects against mind-reading techniques targeting the head. A tin-foil scarf and/or turtleneck for protection against Vulcan mind-melds is still in the design-phase due to its unfortunate tendency to decapitate the wearer in case of vigorous head movements.

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

A pregnant woman doesn't provide quite as much light when plugged into an electrical socket.

Cellphone dos and don'ts

Addendum:

Don't put your cell phone in your front shirt pocket and lean over to flush the toilet.

Do put an ad in the paper offering free iPods for the first 20 callers, turn your cell phone on vibrate and put it in your pants.

Inciting zoophobia by inventing species-specific stereotypes

You know, pigeons are the laziest birds.

Whereas your average crow will fly off before you get to within 30 feet of him, a pigeon will not. Should you move to within 10 feet of a pigeon, he still won't take to the air. In fact, the only thing stopping you from actually stepping on a pigeon is that when you get close enough, the lazy bastard walks away nonchalantly. Walks!

Now far be it for me to cast judgment, but I find it astonishing that God has not yet shackled pigeonkind to the ground for all eternity like some other uppity species of birds (emus, chickens and the inebriated substance abusers of the animal kingdom: penguins) that didn't adequately appreciate the power of flight given to them.

The only reason a pigeon would rather wait until you're close enough to swat him with your shoe before walking a few feet to the left instead of flying away at the first sight of you is that they're just too goddamn lazy. Either that, or they've got a thing for humans. Perverts.

Now, the bald-headed eagle. There's a bird with an admirable work-ethic. They're so busy flying away whenever they see me, I've never actually seen one myself!

"Ah, but if you've never seen one, how do you know they've been flying away whenever they see you!", you might be thinking. You might also be a flatulent git. Eagles have super-duper-vision, which means they see me and fly away long before I would ever have a chance to see them. Prove me wrong! Do you have eyesight that could spot an eagle before he spots you?

Didn't think so.

Anyway, pigeons are lazy bastards and should be hit with shoes.

(Disclaimer to appease the easily-offended pro-pigeon lobby: there are exceptions)

Update via Schmaltz und Grieben: and if lazy pigeons aren't bad enough, those no-good Starlings are up to their old tricks again in Virginia.

Starlings, the birds pictured here, are often attracted to bright, shiny objects and will collect them for nesting or mate-attraction purposes whenever the opportunity presents itself.

The Crazy Imam says: These filthy birds are clearly reincarnated joooooos and should be driven into the sea in the manner of penguins merrily leaping off an ice shelf in search of yummy fish!